nahzhluh

I leave for Japan on Monday but I’ve been under the weather this week. I feel like there’s a lump in my stomach that won’t go away and my entire digestive tract stiffens after eating. I’m notorious for falling ill during life transitions. A few years ago, shortly after my separation, I was about to do a job interview when I suddenly vomited all over my office floor. I’d just eaten a kiwi, maybe too fast, and felt it stuck in my esophagus. I panicked and drove to urgent care, but it had passed by the time I arrived. The interview was rescheduled and I ended up getting the job. This should pass too. Fucking chia seeds.

All that I ask of myself during the next two months is to be curious and open to new experiences. My birth chart says that it’s a time of new opportunity, but there are a series of dates of significance waiting to stir the emotional pot: my would be wedding anniversary was a couple of days ago, my one year divorce anniversary is at the end of the month, my ex is getting married shortly after, and then comes the doozy – at the end of November comes my one year anniversary of a mental health crisis that is still too difficult to talk about. I know now that all I can do is move forward, even when I don’t feel like I can, and I have, but I’m embarrassed to talk about how scary it still feels.

Honestly, I don’t grieve for these changes, but I grieve for the person I was before knowing that the floor could fall under me at any moment. Everything is just too fresh to be 100% excited for this trip. But it’s my time, you know? Whether I’m ready for it or not, the universe put me in this position and to exert any control over it is to play God. I’ll be okay if I swim with the current instead of against. Look at me getting spiritual.

I miss you friends!!