I was nervous about coming home, but things feel right. The weather is warm… People are out. Seeing friends has filled me up. Something to hold on to when I return to work next week.
It’s May. My birthday is at the end of the month and I have celebration plans for the first time in a very long time.
Thanks M for this
Someone mentioned that the highs are higher and the lows are lower when you do things alone, so I’m intentionally trying to break out of “independent woman” persona. Softness is in. And you know what else is in? Having two boyfriends (I’m seeing Challengers tonight).
Proud of myself for making this meme
Apartment nooks are coming together
The kids are alright.
I was really touched by this person who made their own sign for the rally. Solidarity doesn’t take much.
A few people asked if I had any epiphanies on this trip. I was hoping there would be one… a big movie-worthy moment of clarity where the sky suddenly parted and provided a solution to everything that’s been grieving me. In reality, it was a bunch of observations that confirmed truths I already knew. The drive was an opportunity to pursue my pleasures and learn how to experience small joys, and I struggled. This isn’t something I was taught to do and sometimes it feels like my neurons are already too crusty to adapt. So to answer the question, I don’t think I’m epiphany-ready or whether I’ll ever experience something like that, but I had many moments of everyday joy and that seems to be what I needed. Heading back to Durham on Saturday.
Anderson Museum of Contemporary Art in Roswell – maybe my fav art museum in recent memory and totally free!
Hello from Santa Fe. I’m writing from bed in a casita behind the Georgia O’Keeffe museum. Life is luxurious until I think to last night when I fumbled the first date I’ve been on in 5 months. Georgia wouldn’t have fumbled a date. I’m going to sink into this bed until it swallows me whole, find a coffee shop and journal about all the character I’m building.
Taos was lovely. Sleep has been difficult for me the past few months but I woke up suddenly one night to stars above me and everything felt okay. It’s hard to be upset in a place so beautiful.
I had a reading done in Truth or Consequences. The morning of, I overheard locals talking about how there are a lot of fake healers in the area. One of them mentioned he’s married to a legitimate healer and I think it might have been the one I met, or at least I hoped.
I don’t know how much stock to put behind making life decisions based on the random-ish selection of cards. I tried pulling what I learned from a game theory class in college but came up empty. If anything, she was kind and gave good life advice. I liked her description of Saturn Return… it’s an opportunity to reflect on the first 30 years of your life and to use what you liked and didn’t like to frame the second 30 years.
I’m overwhelmed by how much life changed at the end of my first 30 years. Almost exactly 3 years ago, my beloved dog died unexpectedly after a short battle with cancer, and then a graduation, a separation, a new job, a move, a chronic health issue, a divorce, another move, a mental breakdown, a job leave and now I’m here. I’m immensely grateful for this experience, but I’m terrified by how quickly life can change. Logically, I understand there’s no amount of control I can enforce to stop it, and yet here I am in a coffee shop in Taos crying about my dead dog.
Of course, this is just a list of the sad things that happened. I also became closer to my family, made the greatest friends, tried new things, met new people, reconnected with myself, changed. On a drive yesterday I was thinking about how there’s no option in life but to move forward. I used to be judgmental of how quickly people jump from other people and experiences, but they’re just doing what they need to continue living. A past version of me would pride herself in holding and analyzing discomfort. Now I recognize that I have to give myself permission to experience joy or stay frozen in grief.
Perfect representation of this post in meme form from Michelle 💖
The best moment of my trip so far happened on my second day in Las Cruces when I had part of a gummy and ate a leftover bean and cheese burrito straight from the fridge. Absolutely delectable. Turns out, I’m a simple girly. I’m learning how to be messy.
I was thinking on my drive to White Sands about how I’ve been resisting this iteration of myself. Maybe the key to moving forward is surrendering to the person that I am in this moment, mess and all.
Drove from Hye to Alpine today. Honestly most of it was a slog, the same highway in the same direction with the same flat scenery for four hours, but then the landscape changed to desert hitting Balmorhea and I felt relief.
I spent a lot of the drive daydreaming about alternate lives I could live. The one I liked the most is where I live in some remote-ish part of the country, in an eco friendly house that I designed, and with surrounding cabins to host friends/family/creatives who need some reflective time. An organic garden, dogs, communal dinners… maybe even some chickens. Hmm.
I’m finding that I get bummed/lonely in the evening when the adrenaline of exploring wears off. I think it’s a healthy feeling to get used. My sister doesn’t want me oversharing on the internet so I’ll put the rest in my journal 😘
Stayed in an 1860s cabin in Hye, TX.
Woke up to this view. Smelled amazing, cedar-y? I wanted to keep sleeping, or doing that thing where you’re in between sleep and rest, listening to the roosters and birds.
Road food. The HEB in Fredericksburg was overwhelming. Lots of old white people open mouth coughing and not a hottie in sight.
Balmorhea State Park – swimming with the fishies and ducks. Felt surreal…
There was a woman struggling in the bathroom with four young kids. I wasn’t sure whether to ask if she needed help or give her space. She looked around my age.
The drive from Balmorhea to Alpine. Fuck it’s beautiful here.
