Summer Mood Board
Paper
I’ll be back at Penland next week for another paper workshop, this time eastern-style with bast fibers. In the meantime, Caro and I have been experimenting with ink dyeing paper and fabric. The scans are neat.
Photo Dump
Big Feelings
I’m putting in my two weeks notice tomorrow. There wasn’t a specific trigger. Last Monday I just had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do the work anymore, like if I had one more meeting added to my calendar I would literally die. It’s been months of feeling like the work I’m doing is meaningless and feeling physically sick. I spent the evening thinking about how comfortable I am living in indecision limbo, making a false promise to myself that if I just wait a little bit longer, a new solution will come to me and the situation will improve, thinking that I’m being responsible by not doing anything and justifying unhappiness for some theoretical future that never comes to fruition, short term discomfort morphing a long term problem. I’m choosing to enjoy my summer.
One of the hardest things I’m working through is a recurring thought that I’m quitting because it’s the easiest path forward. My therapist would classify this as a “child feeling,” something I imagine my parents saying and need to defend because they never validated my feelings as a child and blah blah blah. It’s a real feeling driven by a false thought. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the easy decision or not. I’m lucky enough to live a life where I don’t need to suffer, so why suffer?
My current plan is to pack up my apartment and spend 6 months to a year deep diving into a couple of cities. I’m hoping to structure it around workshops and classes to feel productive and meet new people. I get caught up in whether I’m making the right decision a lot but I’ve been thinking about how most crafts are products of their environments, like how paper communities developed around water sources. Instead of making the right decision, maybe it’s a matter of picking an environment and letting purpose stem from what grows there. I did ask ChatGPT to put an itinerary together for some inspiration. Budget is questionable but its heart is in the right place.
Slow Software
On a lighter note, I joined a listserv for book arts in the triangle and it’s reminded me how great a simple email list can be, low cognitive load yet effective. I was also happy to find the lower east side website randomly while looking up a restaurant. There’s power in software that builds micro-connections at a local level. I’m not sure humans were built to think at the scale that most social media platforms cover. That’s why sites like Craigslist are still valuable, even Reddit, though the location-specific subreddits are turning into mini NextDoors. Funny story about Reddit – someone’s claimed the “cookout_official” handle and comments on every dating advice post in central NC with something along the lines of “the hotties hang out at cookout.” Anyway, I’d put my money on a Gen Zer starting a “slow software” movement soon.
My Fav Photos from Sam & Naj’s Shitty Dating Show Themed Bday Karaoke
Photo Dump
A random assortment of photos from Penland while I gather my thoughts:
Ugh </3
Hollander beater
Pressing water out of fresh sheets of paper before drying
The Paper studio’s manager is a stickler. We spent a day and a half of our four days cleaning. One of the rules is no paper on the floor… in a studio that makes paper… ha
We used mostly abaca, linen, and flax fibers for our papers. A small batch of denim was processed. It stained everything and was a pain in the ass to clean but very pretty.
Pulled the skull on my birthday
Thicc denim paper
This was the largest sheet size we pulled. If you dip the mold too deep into the vat, it creates a suction that’s difficult to break. The first time I tried it, the suction was so strong that I almost drowned and had to call for help. Eventually got the hang of it but could barely move the next morning. Pulling these mega sheets made me feel invincible.
My instructor Heather developed this capillary technique for staining paper. Essentially you re-wet a dried sheet of unsized paper and drip ink onto it. The ink breaks down at different distances, creating gradients of different hues. This coloration was made with black ink.
Visited some of the resident artists and their studios
Back to paper – Classmate’s desk
The class collab
Heather made sheets from the last dregs of pulp. Still beautiful.
My time at Penland overlapped with the Toe River Arts Studio Tour. It’s wild how many artists live in the area. This is Dan Essig’s studio.
Vicki Essig’s studio. She trains silk worms to spin silk flat!
Kit Paulson’s studio
Spruce Pine
Spruce Pine
Spruce Pine
Spruce Pine
Spruce Pine
Some things I’ve been thinking about
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Jia Tolentino’s article “The Hidden-Pregancy Experiment”
“My husband and I had not bought a baby monitor for our first child, a choice that satisfied his desire to not buy things and my desire to insist that certain aspects of experience are fundamentally ungovernable.”
“certain aspects of experience are fundamentally ungovernable”
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The Feeling That the Time for Doing Something Has Passed
Almost choked when the film cuts to Ann, the main character, in a corporate meeting and she asks, “I was wondering what the 5 year plan for the company is.”
“The film's title accurately reflects the sense of floating, frustrated inertia that envelops Ann, a feeling of being suspended between phases of life without any clarity on what, if anything, is coming next.” Review
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This playlist
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Photo Dump:
I was nervous about coming home, but things feel right. The weather is warm… People are out. Seeing friends has filled me up. Something to hold on to when I return to work next week.
It’s May. My birthday is at the end of the month and I have celebration plans for the first time in a very long time.
Thanks M for this
Someone mentioned that the highs are higher and the lows are lower when you do things alone, so I’m intentionally trying to break out of “independent woman” persona. Softness is in. And you know what else is in? Having two boyfriends (I’m seeing Challengers tonight).
Proud of myself for making this meme
Apartment nooks are coming together
The kids are alright.
I was really touched by this person who made their own sign for the rally. Solidarity doesn’t take much.
D’s bees
Day trip to the beach with the boys
A few people asked if I had any epiphanies on this trip. I was hoping there would be one… a big movie-worthy moment of clarity where the sky suddenly parted and provided a solution to everything that’s been grieving me. In reality, it was a bunch of observations that confirmed truths I already knew. The drive was an opportunity to pursue my pleasures and learn how to experience small joys, and I struggled. This isn’t something I was taught to do and sometimes it feels like my neurons are already too crusty to adapt. So to answer the question, I don’t think I’m epiphany-ready or whether I’ll ever experience something like that, but I had many moments of everyday joy and that seems to be what I needed. Heading back to Durham on Saturday.
Anderson Museum of Contemporary Art in Roswell – maybe my fav art museum in recent memory and totally free!
Roswell/Alpine again/Fredericksburg
ATX
💖
Hello from Santa Fe. I’m writing from bed in a casita behind the Georgia O’Keeffe museum. Life is luxurious until I think to last night when I fumbled the first date I’ve been on in 5 months. Georgia wouldn’t have fumbled a date. I’m going to sink into this bed until it swallows me whole, find a coffee shop and journal about all the character I’m building.
(Hope this makes you giggle – I live for the drama https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLP2gKdw/ )
Taos was lovely. Sleep has been difficult for me the past few months but I woke up suddenly one night to stars above me and everything felt okay. It’s hard to be upset in a place so beautiful.
Bought a bunch of pottery from this guy in ToC
Driving to Taos
El Prado
Rio Grande Gorge
Downtown Taos
I had a reading done in Truth or Consequences. The morning of, I overheard locals talking about how there are a lot of fake healers in the area. One of them mentioned he’s married to a legitimate healer and I think it might have been the one I met, or at least I hoped.
I don’t know how much stock to put behind making life decisions based on the random-ish selection of cards. I tried pulling what I learned from a game theory class in college but came up empty. If anything, she was kind and gave good life advice. I liked her description of Saturn Return… it’s an opportunity to reflect on the first 30 years of your life and to use what you liked and didn’t like to frame the second 30 years.
I’m overwhelmed by how much life changed at the end of my first 30 years. Almost exactly 3 years ago, my beloved dog died unexpectedly after a short battle with cancer, and then a graduation, a separation, a new job, a move, a chronic health issue, a divorce, another move, a mental breakdown, a job leave and now I’m here. I’m immensely grateful for this experience, but I’m terrified by how quickly life can change. Logically, I understand there’s no amount of control I can enforce to stop it, and yet here I am in a coffee shop in Taos crying about my dead dog.
Of course, this is just a list of the sad things that happened. I also became closer to my family, made the greatest friends, tried new things, met new people, reconnected with myself, changed. On a drive yesterday I was thinking about how there’s no option in life but to move forward. I used to be judgmental of how quickly people jump from other people and experiences, but they’re just doing what they need to continue living. A past version of me would pride herself in holding and analyzing discomfort. Now I recognize that I have to give myself permission to experience joy or stay frozen in grief.
Perfect representation of this post in meme form from Michelle 💖
Downtown ToC
Riverbend Hotsprings 💖
Miss you sweet bean
